The Burden of Survivors
by Celevathor-Silver Warrior
Summary: Kakashi made a choice; now Team Kakashi and others must cope with his decision. (Warning: mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and depression.)
1. Chapter 1

It was a crossfire, at least that's what was written in the report. I wish it had been crossfire. I suppose if you squinted in the moment, you could believe he had misjudged his step. But, who am I kidding? We all know he didn't. This was Hatake Kakashi, child prodigy and the Sharingan Warrior, like hell he would make such a rookie mistake. The question is how did we—how did…I miss his agony? No…I didn't miss his pain. I ignored his pain, believing that he was somehow strong enough to win on his own. We all ignored his silent plea for help, pretending he could never be as broken as he was…is. I halt my thoughts as I look at my sempai, guilt, and shame constricting my breathing. He's connected to a whole bunch of medical instruments which have become his lifeline…the line we-…I should have been. We were equals for fuck's sake! He could have relied on me if only a little! I taste the metallic flavor of blood fill my mouth as I grasp the bed rail. I shut my eyes allowing myself to believe for a moment that this was all a sick, fucked up dream.

"Eh Yamato-taicho, how's Kaka-Sensei doing?" asks the voice that shocks me back into reality.

They don't know…right? They haven't seen the report or the other shinobi from the battle. I desperately hope. I take a deep breath in, swallow the blood and release the now bent bed rail. I need to breathe and relax. My mind screams at me. Exhaling I turn to face Naruto, Sakura, and Sai. What was I supposed to tell them? That Kakashi purposefully attempted suicide on a mission and almost succeeded? I lightly scoff, like hell they would believe that.

"Taicho?" Sakura asks as her eyes zigzag from Kakashi and me. I ignore her.

Damn, I don't even believe the truth, why would they? All three of their gazes fix on me as if I have the answers as to why Hatake Kakashi, their real team leader, was on life support. I feel sobs overwhelm me as Kakashi's burden rests on me. They all relied on him- we, all relied on him. So, who was he supposed to rely on? I audibly swallow. I try to open my mouth but my lips feel heavy as they stick to each other.

"Is he going to die?" Sai says, his question feeling more like a firm statement.

Naruto's anger is tangible. Sakura unconsciously clenches her fists. To be honest I think he already is. How long had it been since Kakashi had smiled, genuinely? I finally answer them as honestly as I can.

"I don't know," I whisper hoarsely

Sakura steps forward to inspect Kakashi. I idly wonder if I should stop her. What good would it do? She, Naruto and Sai will find out eventually. But, part of me wanted to protect them…and maybe in some way Kakashi did too. How much worse would it have been if they went looking for him and found-? I don't complete the thought.

"Who did this to him?" demands Naruto. "Who the fuck got away with this?"

My tongue feels numb. Perhaps biting so hard wasn't a good idea. I blink as my gaze finally leaves Sakura and falls to Naruto. The young man had his hand clenched so hard I could make out the white of bone from his knuckles. Who was Naruto to blame, except the man in the bed?

"Yamato-taicho, why is Kaka-Sensei strapped to the bed?" The tone in Sakura's voice is accusatory, it's almost as if she blames me. Perhaps she does, perhaps they all do.

I glance down at the leather straps around his wrists and ankles. Did they strap him down? Then, again I should not be surprised, given the circumstances. God, how long had he gone on like this?

"It…It's for his own safety." I reply sullenly

Nobody speaks as the bustle of the Konoha Hospital continues behind the shut door. Each of them coming to their own conclusions. Finally, the anger around Naruto subsides a bit.

"What happened?" whispers Naruto as he stares at me with deep grief-stricken eyes.

From what Genma had said Kakashi had protected him, but his story contradicted Gai. Unfortunately, Gai wasn't speaking to anyone anymore. None of us wanted to believe Kakashi had tried to kill himself. Lies were always easier to believe. Naruto was getting impatient as he stared at me. I couldn't stall for too much longer. I close my eyes to compose myself, but mostly to avoid his stare.

"Kakashi-Senpai…" I pause, needing to distance myself. "Hatake Kakashi attempted suicide on a mission, he almost succeeded."

Sakura grips the sheets of Kakashi's bed. Her green eyes horrified. She swallows, trying to keep back the bay of tears. Naruto's eyes are cast down at the floor as he tries to make sense of what I had said. Sai meanwhile does nothing. He doesn't need to; his eyes are bare to me. The betrayal in his eyes is as evident as the sun in the sky.

What the hell am I supposed to do?


	2. Chapter 2

The atmosphere in my office was deadly. I felt ready to kill someone. Gai and Genma are being stubbornly silent.

"What the hell happened out there?!" I demand

All I receive is a stony silence. Genma stares at the ground as he clenches his fist causing his whole arm to shake. Gai, on the other hand, stands completely still, his face impassive. My anger rises once more. These men knew what happened to Kakashi but they refused to tell me the truth! I glared at them and slam my fist against the desk. The noise seems to bring Gai out of his stupor. His eyes fall on me. I let out a small gasp as I see the raw emotion coming from Gai. His lower jaw had a slight tremble that he attempts to control. His eyes seem to pierce and envelope me into his pain. When I finally pull myself away from his haunted expression, I let out a labored breath.

My god Kakashi, what have you done?

"Hokage-sama…." Genma begins. My eyes shift over to Genma who now had released his fist. "He…Kakashi-He saved my life from an enemy."

I narrow my eyes. Like hell I'll believe that. Not after looking Gai in the eyes. "Stop bullshitting me Genma!" Both men cast their eyes to the floor, refusing to look me in the eye.

"Did Kakashi attempt suicide?" I ask

Both men visually flinch at the question.

"No, I do not believe Kakashi attempted suicide." Replies Genma.

I feel my temper rise once again, but suddenly it is cooled by a realization. Genma was in denial. Gai seemed to be in depression. Sighing, I realize Genma is going to be useless in this explanation.

"You are dismissed Genma and suspended from active duty," I say as my eyes zero in on Gai.

Genma seems a bit too eager to leave as he calmly rushes to the door. As the door shuts my mind runs to Sakumo. Was Kakashi trying to follow in the footsteps of his father? Gai breaks through my thoughts.

"He hasn't been well Tsunade-sama. I think he did try to…take his life."

I feel my heart clench as I listen to Gai. This was Sakumo all over again. But this time, Kakashi would be dearly missed.

"What has been happening with him recently Gai?" I ask fearing the worst.

Gai shifts uncomfortably as he collects his thoughts. "I…I found him one evening in his apartment and…" he pauses "there-there was so much blood. He-he just sat there with a dazed looked. He looked almost peaceful."

Gai's expression changes, shifting from hollow to shock. He seemed to be reliving the experience. His jaw had stopped trembling.

"I quickly grabbed something to stop the bleeding. I shouted at him that we need to go to the hospital. He didn't respond the first few times I had yelled. I-I thought it was too late."

Ice crawls up my spine as I picture this event. Gai had been rambling a bit and I had almost missed some of his words.

"When I had cleaned him up a bit I was about to teleport out of his apartment, but Kakashi grabbed my arm." Gai looks back at me with tears in his eyes. "I'm-I'm so sorry Tsunade-sama I didn't take him anywhere. I didn't want to risk agitating him. You know how he is about hospitals."

Gai falls silent again. I couldn't really react. Kakashi was cutting himself? What happened after? I try to imagine the horror Gai had seen. How much did he bleed? What wounds were left? As questions started filling my mind Gai breaks the silence once again

"I checked the rest of his body and I found similar marks on his legs and back. I-I don't know how long he had been doing this but some of them have almost faded completely. I watched him the entire night. When he woke the next morning, we didn't speak. It wasn't until that afternoon I finally broke the silence. He…kicked me out soon after."

"What did you say?" I ask almost afraid of the answer

"I told him that there are still people who care about him. I told him that we love him. But after he didn't respond I asked him what he thought would happen to his team. He kicked me out right after that."

I breathe deeply trying to calm myself. I have to ask the question. But I hate myself for asking. I had thought Kakashi would never resort to this.

"Did you ever find him like-" I pause for a moment not quite sure what word to use. "…like that again?"

Gai hand clenches and he looks away from me. I steel myself for the information.

"I found him two more times. Once in the Hatake compound and another in his apartment again. We fought in the Hatake compound. He…he tried to kill me."

My anger returns as I realize Gai had never told me earlier. Quickly my anger gets the best of me. "Why didn't you say anything before?!" I yell. I instantly regret it as Gai begins crying.

He falls to his knees and covers his face. The quiet sobs echo through the room. Each sound feels like a train in my ear. I give him time to sort out his emotions as I try to sort out my own. I don't even know where to begin. This whole conversation feels like a storm of emotions. I feel almost guilty for not being more surprised about the attempted suicide. I know he had been very close after the deaths of his team. During his time in the ANBU he had been actively seeking out the most suicidal missions. Sensei had told me he feared for Kakashi's mental health but, I didn't think he would be so close after all these years.

Why couldn't I have checked on him? Or even had Sakura drag him over to be checked. He's been dodging medical exams left and right. I should have done something.

"Tsunade-sama, may I request time off?"

I rouse from my thoughts as my gaze focuses back on Gai. He was still on his knees. His eyes were downcast.

"Yes…" I pause not wanting to cause him pain. "…but I need the report before you take time off."

He gives a small nod and teleports out of the room. Generally, my jounin are not supposed to leave my office this way and I would have chewed him out; if I could have found the energy to care.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been seven days since Kakashi had attempted suicide. His team has barely left his bedside. Naruto was sitting on the floor opposite of the bed. Sakura was sitting in the single chair of the room to the right of Kakashi. Sai stands by the window at the bottom right of the bed. They all look terrible. But who am I to judge? I've barely moved for seven days since I took my post in the corner of the room. The initial shock is over, but its' aftershocks are still settling in. I don't think any of us have really thought through the implications of Kakashi's death.

Friends and nurses tried to get Naruto, Sakura, and Sai to leave the hospital but they refused to leave. After Sai's blatant threat on Shikamaru, no one had tried again. The nurses are scared to come into the room. I try to help them and order the three to at least go outside the room when they had to bathe Kakashi. Sakura refused and yelled at the nurses as Naruto, Sai and me stood outside. It took Tsunade-sama to kick Sakura and the nurses out. Sakura immediately hugged Naruto as she tried to hold in tears. Sai watched Naruto closely as the young man gently hugged Sakura back. I gently laid my hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her a bit. When Tsunade-sama came out she chewed the nurses out and then chewed us out.

"If you all are going to just sit around in his room, go home! There isn't anything you can do! And yes, I saw you Sakura trying to heal Kakashi at risk of your own health!" Sakura tensed her body at the accusation. "You can come back tomorrow, but for now all four of you leave!"

Naruto glared at Tsunade-sama but started directing Sakura to the exit. The two of them began walking away when Sakura grabbed both Sai and I with her.

"We'll be back!" she shouts to Tsunade-sama

As the four of us leave we pass Gai-san. He looks…haggard. Where has he been? All the Rookie Nine and the sensei's have come to visit, but Gai hasn't. Why had he come now? Wasn't Kakashi important enough for him to visit last week? My thoughts darken as we continue down the hall. Suddenly there was yelling.

I felt like absolute shit as I walked into the hospital. From what Neji, Lee, and Ten-Ten have told me, Kakashi hasn't woken up yet. It's almost as if he refuses to wake up. Perhaps he doesn't want to deal with the mess he left after his suicide attempt. Fuck, Kakashi-why didn't I just tell anyone about your unsightly habits? We could have never come to this; you in the hospital and us helpless.

While walking to the room assigned to Kakashi I passed his team. Three of them were led by Sakura who looked upset. Yamato and I made eye contact for a brief moment as we passed each other. I shake my head and head straight to where Tsunade was standing. Without a word, I pass by her and into Kakashi's room. I rush to his bedside, hope fills me for a moment. But the hope flees as soon as I see his sleeping expression. He looks peaceful…too peaceful.

How can he be so peaceful!? Panic rises as I wonder if he had cut himself again. I rip the sheets off to check for any spot of red. I feel a panic attack start when I see some of his stitches bleeding.

"Kakashi! Kakashi!" I hear myself yell. Just as the panic reaches its peak anger joins it. "Wake up! Just wake up! Why won't you wake up?! You can't do this Kakashi! You can't die! Are you really such a coward that you are going to follow in his footsteps?! Why are you being so selfish, trying to join Obito, Rin and the Yondime? We need you-I need you!" I don't even recognize my voice as I finish.

People rush into the room. My voice was horse and my head was slightly spinning. I feel an arm pull me back as medics rush in to check over Kakashi. Glancing behind me I see Tsunade-sama pulling me out of the room. I don't resist.

"Gai when was the last time you slept properly?" She asks almost tenderly.

I shrug in response; my mind was still focused on my anger and guilt.

"Hasn't your team been checking on you?" she questions as she looks me over.

I blink trying to remember where my team was. Then it hits me, I had a nightmare while they stayed to check on me. Had that been last night or the night before? I wasn't quite sure, all the days seemed to be melding together.

"Gai. Are you there?"

"Yes…they have been checking on me," I reply slowly as the dream comes back to me. Kakashi was there. He and I were arguing over something. But what was it?

"Gai I'll have to admit you to the hospital-" Tsunade begins as I tune her out

We fought but something…something happened. There had been blood…. His blood. Wait, what had Tsunade-sama said?

"Sorry, what did you say?" I ask

"Gai, you need rest. Stay at the hospital, let us give you something to help you sleep."

I shake my head. "No, I won't stay in the hospital. I-" Before I could finish my sentence Yamato cut in.

"Hokage-sama let me walk home with Gai." He offers.

When had he come back? I thought he had been leaving. Why is he offering to walk home with me? Tsunade glances at Yamato with a bit of confusion for a moment but seems to shrug it off.

"Just get out of here; the both of you." She orders.

The two of us don't stick around for her temper and promptly leave Kakashi's hospital room. We walk side by side out of the hospital in silence. Each of us buried in our thoughts as we make our way to my flat. When we finally stand before the door I sense Yamato wanting to say something.

"Out with it Yamato."

Yamato narrows his eyes as he stares at me from behind. I feel his anger release in waves.

"Did you know?" He demands. His eyes are full of turmoil. Anger, pain, grief, shame, and guilt.

Did I know what? I wonder to myself. Did I know he was suicidal? Did I know he was planning to kill himself on this mission? Did I know he was a danger to himself? Did I know why he attempted to kill himself? Did I know if he has the will to live on?

Yamato tenses his body waiting for my answer. What did he expect me to say? What did he hope would come out of this? I take a deep breath finally ready to answer.

"Yes." I almost whisper. Guilt overwhelms me. I wait for the yelling, the anger…anything.

I hear Yamato step closer to me, his killing intent spilling over. I wait, patiently. But I receive nothing. Instead, the question hung in the air; 'Why didn't you do anything?' Neither of us wished to answer the question. Neither of us could. We both assumed Kakashi was stronger…but he wasn't.


	4. Chapter 4

Suicide. That's what Yamato-taicho had said. Kakashi-Sensei had attempted suicide. The term was so foreign to me. Why would anyone kill themselves? It just didn't make sense. Kaka-Sensei, he was just our lazy perverted team leader. And leaders don't think about killing themselves. Right? Nobody had told me about suicide. No one had explained how to deal with someone's suicide attempt.

I ponder Kakashi-Sensei's suicide attempt while I make my way to the archives room in the Hokages' Tower. How common were suicide attempts for a ninja? The only suicide I can think of is when a ninja is captured and tortured for information. And the only way to make sure the villages' secrets are kept safe is through a pill kept in our back molar. But when I think of that type of suicide it's an honorable death. We are soldiers and keepers of the Hokage's secrets. So, in a weird way suicide makes sense.

"Hello Sakura-chan," greets the front desk lady

"Hello," I reply simply

"How are you doing?" she asks with good nature but I could see the pity.

I frown deeper and stride through the doors. No one is going stop me. After a quick search, I find minuscule of information about suicide victims. Victims? Were they really victims if they were inflicting the death? I shake my head not bothering to make sense of the odd word choice.

 _Saito Yusuke  
Rank: Genin  
Age: 14  
Death: Suicide. Slit throat._

 _Cause: His death was due to the pressures of the Third Great Ninja War. The body was found atop the Hokage monument. He was an orphan._

Only fourteen? Wait didn't Kakashi live through the Third War? How old had he been? I glance at the next document.

 _Nakamura Sora  
Rank: Jounin  
Age: 26  
Death: Suicide. Exploding tags._

 _Cause: Assumed traitor, but never found guilty. The body, what was left of it, was found in the Forest of Death._

Well, he was a suspected traitor. I'm not too surprised about his suicide. The next document was a bit longer.

 _NAME: N/A  
Rank: Special Jounin or ANBU  
Age: N/A  
Death: Suspected Suicide. Evidence of fire. _

_Cause: Unpronounced, but suspected deserter. A note was found near the burned down building. A copy is written down below._

 _"_ _Many have died and many more will die. There is so much Konoha doesn't know about their own ninja or the Council. There is no trust among liars._

 _What is deeper than some trees are high? What never sees sunlight but ever grows? What makes you stumble in a grove?"_

I glance over the documents but I don't see an answer to the riddle. Why would someone write something like this? Sighing I begin to return the documents. I don't really feel like jumping into a mystery, not with Kakashi where he is.

I need to understand…why. What drove Kakashi to attempt suicide? Was he lonely? Did he have no one to confide in? Sensei has always been quiet about…well, everything. My heart constricts suddenly. What if we were the reason? What if we pushed him over the edge? We never- I never tried to reach out to him in between missions, even when I knew he was around. Maybe if I had reached out…maybe I could have done something.

After shelving the last of the documents my eyes catch a newspaper article jammed between the folders. Grabbing it I gently tug the newspaper out of the nook it had made. As I open the paper, I read the words "HATAKE DISGRACE & SUICIDE." I feel the words sink in as they block my ability to breath for a moment. Quickly I read over the very short article, picking out what seems to be the most important.

 _Disgrace. Suicide. Orphaned son. Prodigy child. Shame._

"Kaka-Sensei's father…he-he killed himself?!" I hear myself breathe out.

This-this is too much. What does this mean for Kakashi? Does this mean Kakashi is more likely to kill himself? How has his father's suicide affected him? Has Kakashi always been suicidal? He never seemed like he was. As a child, I never even tried to think about what Kakashi was struggling with. It never occurred to me. What could I have done…if I had been capable of anything.

I take a deep breath to calm down. Mulling over what could have been done will get me nowhere. What can I do now? Is there really anything I can do? I mean is there anyone who would know what to do in this situation? Who does Kakashi know that could help? I wrack my brain trying to think of people who could help. Who were Kakashi's dear friends? Who knows Kakashi better than Kakashi knows himself?

All these questions aren't helping! The truth of the matter is that I don't actually know Kakashi-Sensei. I don't know how he obtained his left eye. I didn't know about his father…but I suppose he wouldn't have wanted us to know that. But how can I help him when I don't feel like I even know him?

Silence answers my questions as I stare at the vast amount of filing cabinets. My thoughts return to me as I realize there is only one person who might have some understanding of Kakashi…Gai-Sensei.


	5. Chapter 5

People are talking about Kakashi, whether he tried killing himself or not. I ignore them, well I've ignored everyone for about four days. The silence is getting to me. All I see when I'm sober or down from a high is Kakashi's injured body. The drugs are starting to turn against me as well. I keep hearing Asuma's voice. I drink to stop his voice and the deafening silence. In all honesty, I'd rather hear Asuma than silence. I drink to sleep too, but then my nightmares come to join me. I smoke to feel something…anything. The nicotine seems to keep the nightmares at bay, but the silence stays. The drugs, drinking, and smoking, is all that I have to cope right now.

Kakashi just appeared in front of me as the enemy ninja ran at me. He didn't even hesitate to jump into the sword. Just suddenly there he was, standing with a sword sticking through the left side of his back. Or did he push me out of the way before the enemy ninja could attack me? Maybe that's what happened.

Shit, I can't remember! I suppose the drug use and drinking aren't helping with that. Perhaps forgetting is okay.

 _"_ _What the hell are you doing now Genma?"_

"Fuck off Asuma."

 _"_ _Haven't shot up enough in the past hour?" He asks condescendingly._

"I will drink the rest of that vodka over there." I threaten.

 _"_ _Why haven't you checked on Gai?" He demands._

"I don't have the energy to deal with him and his bushy eyebrows."

 _"_ _If you're going to be a useless teammate you might as well just-"_

"I'm sick of listening to you! Just shut up!" I yell.

" _Is this what Kakashi sacrificed himself for? Are you just going to sit there quietly and waste the life Kakashi saved? Is that how you thank him? What about Gai, he was your teammate once. Are you going to abandon him as well?"_

"I'm not abandoning anyone! I just need to process this situation."

 _"_ _Process? Ha! You just want to wallow in denial and self-pity. You refuse to see your selfish behavior. What would your sensei say to this behavior?"_

I stay quiet, remembering how the Third War took Sensei. It was a genin who killed him…and we just stood there stupidly as Sensei was killed. I stood there stupidly as Kakashi was killed.

 _"_ _You killed Gai's best friend. You killed one of Konohas' strongest, you will suffer the consequences of his death. For every death of a civilian or harm to the village that Kakashi cannot be there for, will be your fault."_

"HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN HE WOULD JUMP INFRONT OF THAT SWORD!" I scream desperately

Asuma doesn't answer. The silence seems to take back its' kingdom from him. The silence is deafening. I quickly go over the short conversation between Asuma and me.

He's just being a bastard, a dead bastard. I'm just trying to manage the situation. It's not like he took his father's death any better. I'm not being selfish, I just need time to refocus. Once I refocus I'll check on Gai. He won't blame—no he should though. I should've moved out of the way. Everyone knows that—.

 _"—_ _Kakashi will always sacrifice himself for the sake of others."_

In response to Asuma, I grab the vodka and chuck it where he is standing.

CRASH

He doesn't flinch or respond the way I had wanted him to because he was nev—.

"Genma? Genma are you okay?" Calls out a voice. "It's me, Shizune, please let me in."

Shizune…why did you come now? I'm a mess, you should just leave me to rot like the animal I am.

"Genma I'm breaking your door." She states as she breaks the lock. Once inside she quietly closes the door and walks over to me. Her strides are purposeful and determined.

I quietly wait for her to reach me. Suddenly I can smell the contrast of her and the room as she stands before me. We watch each other for a moment before she takes my hand and tries to pull me up. Stubbornly I don't respond.

"I'm not taking you to the hospital or Tsunade-sama. Just come to the bedroom." She pleads.

I weakly begin to stand up and chuckle dryly. I never could refuse her. Slowly, due to my dizziness, we make our way to the bedroom. Once inside Shizune begins to busy herself with my clothes.

"Honestly Genma." She whispers as she unzips the smelly standard vest. Helpless, I watch her for a moment before I feel the tears begin to start.

After she tugs the vest off I pull her into my arms and just hold her. I was so lonely.

"Th-thank you," I mumble as the tears fall onto her hair.

Her arms wrap around my back as she rests her head in the crook of my neck. We stand silently enjoying the others' touch. Gently she pulls away and she leads me to the bed. Never letting go of each other we lay down together on top of the unmade bed. Shizune tenderly wipes my tears away as more run down my face.

"Genma." She whispers to get my attention. "Genma you couldn't have stopped him."

I frown in disbelief. Of course, I could have! If I had just been more aware…none of this would have happened.

"Genma, you didn't kill Kakashi. He's still alive." She leaves off what we both are thinking.

 _He's still alive, for now._


	6. Chapter 6

As the previous head T&I I have encountered some certifiably unstable ninja, but I don't think I have ever met a more unstable ninja, than Hatake Kakashi. Since he had recovered a day ago the Hokage demanded he has a psychological evaluation, before he had to relate to his team. Ibiki and I cast bets on who would have to evaluate Kakashi. Unsurprisingly I won…I am Yamanaka Inoichi.

The two of us sit across from each other in an empty room. Kakashi looks naked without his signature headband. His lone eye wanders aimlessly.

"Kakashi?" I ask. My voice stirs him and he meets my gaze with mismatched eyes.

Kakashi's eyes seem to evaluate me for a hint of aggression before he replies. "Yes?"

I swallow once before clearing my throat. "Let's get started with this evaluation, okay?" I ask hoping to relax him a bit. He gives a small nod before he closes his left eye.

"Alright then. Tell me about the mission." I try to ask in a gentle voice because I fear what may come up for Kakashi.

His response is immediate as if he is reporting to the Hokage. "A transport mission for the Feudal Lord. We took some of his trash from one side of the country to other."

"His trash?" I ask in an attempt to draw him out a bit. Unfortunately, he just shrugs. I try a different avenue. "During the mission, something happened, could you explain?"

"We were ambushed by a group of rogue ninjas. We had thought that we had gotten most of them but five more appeared out of the bushes. One of them had caught Genma off guard so I stepped in." Kakashi's eye becomes unfocused as he mentions Genma. For a split second, I notice his right hand twitch. Is that a nervous tick?

"Are you satisfied with your sacrificial choice?"

Kakashi's eyes widen for a moment in surprise or maybe confusion, but then his jaw clenches tightly. "Of course I am."

"Do you think Genma is satisfied with your choice?"

"He understands the duty of shinobi." He replies gruffly.

"And you think he would just accept your death with no sadness?"

Something comes over Kakashi immediately causing his expression to change completely. His eyes glaze over and his body stiffens. He's completely withdrawn into himself. I let out a sigh. I can recognize a disassociation technique when I see one. These techniques are used by every ninja when they encounter torture. Obviously, he is a master at this craft.

I feel a punch in my gut as I realize where Kakashi had picked up the technique. When I first met Kakashi, it had been right after his father's suicide. He had been so young, but so hardened. The village hated his father and by extension, Kakashi. And when war broke out Kakashi was on the front lines. A child…barely even six years old. I could never imagine Ino on the front lines at six. I wouldn't have allowed it! She's my daughter…but there was no one there to stop Kakashi. No mother or father, just an emotionally distant village he swore to protect. Both of his father figures ended up killing themselves…Wait a moment is that…My god Kakashi, is that a reason why you always tend to sacrifice yourself?

"Kakashi," I begin a bit hesitantly. "Do you value your existence?"

Kakashi glances to the right of me in thought before he answers. "My value comes from my position as a shinobi of Konoha."

I frown slightly, knowing he is just dodging the question. Well, so much for the subtle route. "Have you ever considered suicide?"

His response startles and concerns me. He scoffs lightly then give me an incredulous expression. "What ninja who has been through war hasn't?"

Fine Kakashi, if you won't answer me through a conversation I will force your hand. "Kakashi, I will ask a series of questions and you will answer with yes if the question is true. Got it?"

Kakashi seems to think it over for a moment before deciding to reply with, "Yes."

The two of us make eye contact as I quickly scrounge up a way to get my answers. I need to get a baseline for the truth first.

"Is your name Hatake Kakashi?"

"Yes."

"Were you a former ANBU member?"

"Yes."

"Are you the leader of Team Kakashi and Team 7?"

There is no response from him, so I change up the question.

"Officially are you the leader of Team Kakashi and Team 7?"

"Yes."

Alright, I now have a baseline, time to ask the hard questions.

"Have you ever thought of killing yourself?"

"Yes." Kakashi blinks as his Sharingan swirls. It seems a memory has been stirred up.

"Was the first time you thought of suicide after Obito's death?"

He doesn't respond.

"Was it before Obito's death?"

"Yes." Kakashi refuses to make eye contact with me and I respectfully back off.

"Has the thought of suicide persisted since then?"

There is a soft 'yes' whispered to me. Anger and frustration overcome me. I'm unable to even process his answer. Kakashi has been suicidal since age six?! This isn't acceptable! How could this have happened? Did no one see the signs? How is he still—No, I can't think on this too long, I need to finish this evaluation.

"Do you have coping methods?

"Yes."

"Sex, drugs or alcohol?"

"Yes."

"Self-harm?" The question came to me suddenly as I remember the scared body of a young chunin a few years back.

"Yes."

The information makes me morbidly curious.

"Did anyone know?"

Kakashi levels me with a cold look. I quickly think of another question to ask, knowing I had crossed an unspoken line.

"When you jumped in front of Genma, was there any other reason besides trying to save him in your mind?"

The man before me weighs the options of his answers. He knows as well as I do that there is will be some type of consequence for his answer, no matter what he answers. If he answers yes, Tsunade will have him under suicide watch and probably strip him of his position for a time. If he answers no, Konoha may lose finally lose one of their prime soldiers, which could mean life or death for many. He's a strong ninja and man, but everyone has a breaking point. This answer may be his saving grace or executioner.

Kakashi shifts in his chair as he battles his logic and desires. After a few minutes of silence, he looks ready to answer me.


	7. Chapter 7

"Tsunade-Sama please! He needs help!" pleads a voice.

"And at present, I cannot afford to lose my general. This is war we are discussing."

I stand at the door unsure if I should enter or not. I don't really want to walk into an argument.

"Your general will die painfully if you do not help him now."

"Is that a threat Inochi?" growls Tsunade.

"It's a promise that Kakashi will die by his own hand before an enemy takes him out."

The two of them sound like they are just glaring at one other; each with a strong belief of what should be done with Kakashi. It hurts to be reminded that there is so little hope for Kakashi. Why couldn't I have helped him? What was I lacking? I wish I could do something, anything. Slowly I reach up my hand to knock.

"Gai come in." barks Tsunade

I bow after entering the room and try to ignore the tense air surrounding us. Inochi looks distraught. His eyes are blazing with frustration.

"Gai," Tsunade's calls out. I turn my gaze to the Hokage. "Go check on Kakashi. Grab Naruto if you have to, but I need him prepared for war."

I feel as if the Hokage monument had just fallen on me. This was just too much. How am I supposed to prepare Kakashi when he's…when he's still suicidal?

"Tsunade-sama, you can't treat a suicidal ninja like someone who broke their leg," protests Inochi

"Then what would you have me do Inochi?! I cannot spare someone like Kakashi," she yells back to him.

Inochi is silent, even he doesn't know what to do in this situation. Perhaps Shikaku would be helpful right now.

"I understand that Kakashi is struggling right now and I truly wish to help him. But the fact of the matter is I don't have the time to help Kaka-." She pauses as if she recognizes what she is saying.

The Yamanaka frowns deeply. Indignation, judgement, and anger appear in succession on his face. He seems to be clenching his jaw, unwilling to say anything. His reaction is a clear message to Tsunade as her eyes glance to her left. A tense silence settles itself between the Hokage and clan head. The absence of noise sounds louder than a thunderstorm. I feel myself begin to tense up.

Finally, Tsunade spoke, "My decision is final. Kakashi will not be forced by anyone to receive counseling or other medical assistance besides the usual healing."

The two of us bow to the Hokage and leave the room. Once the door is closed between us and the Hokage, Inochi signals me to follow him. Swiftly and quietly we make our way to an abandoned office. Before facing me Inochi gently closes the door.

"I will not follow this order." He states quietly.

Shock fills me in response. I want to help Kakashi just as much as Inochi does, but Tsunades' order is law.

"I will prepare some medication for Kakashi's depression and anxiety, along with breathing exercises for him to follow to the letter. You will have him take the medication and do the exercises. I don't care how you accomplish it but you must get it done."

I open my mouth to respond but no noise comes out. How dare he order me around and defy Tsunade-sama. I can understand his point, but still…I feel uncomfortable.

"Gai," he places a hand on my shoulder "He will die if we don't help him now. This last incident cannot be ignored. He needs you especially. You are his closest friend, if you pull away now he may never have the chance to reach out again."

My heart clenches in pain. I could lose Kakashi…the same way he lost his father. But to disobey Tsunade is treason. How can I choose between my friend and the Hokage? Could I really face Lee, Neji and Ten-Ten after choosing Kakashi over my duty as a shinobi of Konoha? I'd be such a hypocrite after all those years of being their teacher. Then again could I face Naruto, when he becomes Hokage after I had let Kakashi kill himself? I wouldn't be able to even look at any of Team Kakashi without the burden of guilt.

My voice finally struggles out. "I-I don't know…I don't know what-" I pause trying to catch my breath.

"Sometimes Gai, the Hokage aren't right," Inochi states grimly before leaving the room.

The door is left open purposefully. After a moment, my legs give way and I ungracefully fall to a sitting position. If I help Inochi, he and I may be able to save Kakashi. But I would also be committing treason. That leaves me with one question…am I scum or am I worse than scum?

KHKHKHKHKHKHHKHKKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKH

Kakashi's apartment is dark and unsettlingly bare. There are only three pictures up, one of Team Minato, one of Team Seven, and one of Team Kakashi. Perhaps the only personal touch in his bedroom is his shuriken styled blanket, but everything else seems very standard. His living room and kitchen are basically the same room. A simple table with two chairs is set up in the eating area. Beside the table is a worn looking couch that has probably been used more than his bed. There is a single overhead light above the table that could possibly out of a light bulb. But he does have a decent window that lets daylight into the room. There is a single book case in the corner to the left of the door when you leave. One of the books catches my eyes. It's called _How a Shinobi Should Die_. Before I can process my thought Kakashi's voice breaks through.

"Why are you here?"

"You were injured," I reply simply. Shouldn't that be enough of a reason for you Senpai?

Kakashi looks as if he's lounging carelessly on the couch, but I can tell he's upset about something. What he may be upset about only he knows.

"Senpai?" I begin, not knowing where I wanted to take this. I want to know why, but I'm afraid to hurt him.

The expression that appears in Kakashi's eyes terrifies me. I feel like I'm back in our battle when I was still a part of the ROOT Foundation. I almost take my eyes off him in an attempt to look for an escape route. Instead, his eyes leave me paralyzed in my position.

The voice that comes out is dark and dangerous. "You have one question."

A chill runs down my back. I'm almost too afraid to say anything to him. But this will be the only time I will be able to get an answer. I swallow my fear and begin to furiously think of a question. I doubt he will give me a straight answer, no matter what I ask. What should I ask then? What will give me a clear answer or at least the clearest answer I can hope to receive?

"Why did you...did you try—" I pause trying to formulate a useful question. "Were you attempting suicide when you protected Genma?"

"No."

The speed of his reply surprises me. Is he being over confident or is he just telling the truth? He watches me closely to see if I will bend to his will. This is a power play. He's just asserting his dominance over me. Do I submit or bend? Will my answer affect the team dynamics? Will Kakashi suddenly distance himself from me? If I confront him will he take me off the team? I would deserve that for being insubordinate. But this isn't me questioning his leadership or the team. I'm only asking after his mental health. Besides what if he is successful at one point? Team Kakashi would need someone, he wouldn't just leave us without some type of crutch. Would he?

"I don't believe that Senpai."

I hear the words coming from my mouth but I don't recognize my voice. I sound confident, well much more confident than I feel. Kakashi's expression softens as he seems to ponder my words.

"I suppose you don't Tenzo." He says a bit airily as if he's trying to lighten the mood.

There is a loud knock on the door. "KAKASHI-SENSEI!" It's Naruto.

Kakashi turns to me with an amused expression before Naruto forces the door open. "You lied Tenzo."

 _Hey there readers, thanks for sticking with me! I hope you enjoyed this new chapter. I struggled a bit with knowing how to write Yamato and especially Tsunade. It's been especially hard to really pinpoint where this story fits in with the timeline, sorry if that has been a bit confusing. The story is supposed to be after the Five Kage Sumit but before the Fourth Great Ninja War if that is any help. Anyhow, I hope that clears things up a bit. I'll see you guys soon. -CSW_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N Sorry for the long delay in this chapter. I have just started at a new university so things are busy. This story will not have regular updates, but there will be updates. They will just take much longer to go up._

Sometimes I have really wondered about the relational complexities of Team Kakashi. Naruto, the senseless dickhead, has just barged into Kakashi-sans' apartment with little formality. Sakura, the more level-headed one, on the other hand, tries to make some type of apology that Kakashi-san waves off. Then there is Yamato, the former Root member, who seems to have been in a serious conversation with Kakashi-san. And finally, there is Kakashi-san, the man who is the true leader of this team. Somehow this team works, but it also is extremely dysfunctional.

I pull myself from my thoughts as a serious atmosphere settles in the small apartment. Naruto seems to be taking the first step to confrontation, while Sakura watches Kakashi-san like a hawk.

"Is it true?"

"Is what true Naruto?" Kakashi-san replies sitting up from the worn-down couch. His expression is…unreadable.

Naruto glares darkly at Kakashi. "Don't fuck with me Sensei. You know exactly what I am asking."

Sakura, Yamato and I are a bit shocked by Naruto's words. Where did this come from? Who are you really Naruto? Kakashi-san just tilts his head a bit and raises one eyebrow. "Then why don't you ask it?"

The temperature in the room drops as the two of them stare each other down. Naruto makes a break for Kakashi-san and grabs the older man by the shirt collar. "No! You don't get to screw around Sensei. We deserve an answer." Kakashi-san is dead weight in Naruto's grip. Yamato takes a step toward them to mediate, but before he can do anything Kakashi-san places a hand on Naruto's forearm.

"Naruto calm down." Naruto immediately releases Kakashi-san and relaxes. This surprises me. How can Kakashi-san control Naruto like that? "You were all misinformed."

"What? But how?" Sakura exclaims as fear and worry cloud her eyes.

Kakashi gives her a pointed look for interrupting him before explaining. "You all know how crazy missions can get and you know how easily information can be misinterpreted or falsified. There was a complication during the mission and we responded as we could. Unfortunately, we are not always aware of our surrounds and so I was stabbed in the chest." Naruto quickly glances at Yamato and then to Kakashi-san. Kakashi-san waits for Naruto to refocus before continuing. "Because of the complication and the rather severe injury I had obtained, team members reacted negatively. And so that is where the idea of suicide came about."

Was he lying? It answers most of the questions but not all of them in detail. And what about Yamato's reaction when he first saw Kakashi-san? There was no lie in his reaction. He really believed Kakashi-san had attempted suicide. So that leaves the question of how suicide became a logical explanation for an injury obtained on the mission field. I glance quickly at Sakura who seems to have also come to a similar conclusion.

"But Sensei" she begins, "why would anyone think you would commit suicide in the first place?"

We all wait impatiently for his answer, while Kakashi-san stretches languidly on the couch. "Hmm, some people just like to be overly dramatic about things and others like to make a fuss about nothing."

Yamato's lower lip curls upward slightly in response to Kakashi-san. Obviously, he disagrees with Kakashi-san. But why does he have such a vivid response to this? Generally, he's as emotionally stunted as I am. Perhaps though Yamato is upset with Kakashi-san basically calling him a liar. It doesn't make sense. Kakashi-san is always saying something slightly cutting about Yamato or is manipulating him. And so far, Yamato hasn't responded negatively, or at least this negatively.

Sakura seems hesitant to speak as she makes eye contact with Kakashi-san, he seems to give her permission to speak. "Sensei…did you ever considered killing yourself during the Third Great Ninja War?"

Kakashi-san gives her a small smile of reassurance, something I find confusing. "No, I never did. My duty to our village was too strong for me to even consider suicide." His words seem to give her some peace as the clouds in her eyes disappear. As I consider his words I realize how hollow his voice sounds. He doesn't believe a word he's said this entire conversation. Does this support that he is or was suicidal at one point?

"But Sensei…are you ok? I mean—didn't your father commit-" Kakashi-san's entire body becomes rigid as Sakura's voice dies in her throat. His movements are slow and calculated. Yamato takes a small step away from Kakashi while I do the same. Naruto's eyes widen in confusion as Kakashi-san's killing intent engulfs the room.

"Where did you hear that Sakura?" His voice is commanding, leaving no room for argument. Sakura trembles slightly as she tries to find her voice. "I-I…I read it in a newspaper article." His reaction is anticlimactic at best as he relaxes back into the couch.

"There are some opinions, Sakura, that the villagers have about my father that are less than kind."

Hmm, I do recall hearing rumors about Kakashi-sans' father. The man died in disgrace because he refused the orders of his mission. But why would Kakashi as a dangerous and well-known ninja choose a dishonorable way to die?

"No. Kakashi-Sensei I'm done being in the dark about you. We need to be a team now more than ever." Naruto stands up a bit taller trying to intimidate Kakashi-san.

The man just sighs a bit dramatically and stares at the ceiling for a moment. "Sometimes Naruto it's better some things are left alone." He pauses and looks at us, before continuing. "Besides we have more important issues at hand and you Naruto are at the center of it. So, keep your head in the game."

Kakashi-san is right. We don't have time to worry about this. We need to move on. That is what shinobi do. The sake of one life will never compare to the sake of the village. But…then why am I sad?


	9. Chapter 9

"Sometimes Naruto it's better some things are left alone. Besides, we have more important issues at hand and you Naruto are at the center of it. So, keep your head in the game."

None of this makes sense. Sensei isn't answering our questions. He's tried to reassure Sakura-chan but I can't let him placate me. Nobody connected to Sensei is acting normal. Gai-sensei is much quieter and reserved. I heard Team Gai stayed with their sensei for a whole week but he hardly even noticed them. It's just so out of character for the man. Then there's Captain Yamato, he's been more emotional than usual. He tried to reassure us in the hospital a couple of times but his words felt…empty. It was as if the man had given up on Kaka-Sensei. Even Baa-chan is more stressed out than normal. But I'm not sure if that's stress about the upcoming war or not. For now, we need to deal with Sensei and I need to choose my words carefully. I know that I'm at the center of this war, Sensei doesn't need to remind me of that.

"But Sensei, if you truly agree that I am at the center of the war," I pause waiting for a nod from him. With a simple inclination of his head I continue, "then how am I supposed to focus when I'm worried about you?" Maybe that will get him to see reason. But like always, Sensei has a different perspective.

"You are just going to have to deal with that Naruto, just as every ninja has to. One life compared to the world is inconsequential. Don't you get that Naruto?" What is Sensei saying?! Why is he saying this? He taught me to never abandon my comrades! "Naruto, you can't save everyone."

"You don't think I know that?! Yes, I can't save everyone but I can at least save this team!" My scream echoes in the room. Kaka-Sensei looks me sternly in the eyes and I can't help but submit.

"Naruto, you don't seem to understand the implications of war. So, let me spell it out for you. War is a constant battle. Your comrades will die while you are busy fighting off an enemy. There is no mercy in war, nor is there any honor. Nobody will be there to have your back if you stumble. One mistake, Naruto, and you are dead. People will use the bodies scattered across the battlefield as shields. And then, in the end, the battle you and your comrades fought for, died for, will mean nothing. All that is left is a body count and hatred. Even if we are victorious in war, there is no winner because the cost of victory is too high."

Sakura-chan swallows audibly as Kakashi-Sensei finishes. It's hard for me to process all that he has said. I can't get the thought of somebody using Sensei or Sakuras' body as a shield. But still Sensei doesn't value his life at all, even I can see that.

"I-I understand Sensei. But how can you ask me to abandon you?"

Kakashi-Sensei just gives me a warm smile. "Because Naruto at one point or another you are going to have to let me go. Even if you manage to keep your old sensei alive through this next war, I will die of old age or disease."

I can't manage to reply. Just trying to imagine Kaka-Sensei dead…for good, it's impossible. He's asking me to let him go, to let him die, and I can't! I just can't! Besides Iruka-Sensei and Lord Third, Kakashi was the only adult who really believed in me. Yeah, he hasn't been the best sensei, but he's still my sensei!

Nobody says anything for a while. The silence…the silence has trapped our voices. Perhaps Sensei is lying. What if he really does want to die? What if he did attempt suicide as Captain Yamato had first told us? Can I really believe Kakashi doesn't want to live anymore?

KHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKHKH

Inochis' words have been ringing in my ears since he left. The papers from his evaluation lay mockingly on my desk. I glance over Inochis' notes for the twentieth time.

 _From information previously gathered I have concluded Kakashi is unfit for active duty. It has been documented that he has attempted suicide twice. Kakashi needs psychotherapy to help him deal with his post-traumatic stress from, at the least, the suicides of his teammate, Nohara, and father Hatake Sakumo. Besides treatment for the suicides, he must be treated for his implanted eye, major depression, and anxiety._

 _Kakashi has admitted to being consistently suicidal for at least 24 years. He does not have sufficient coping mechanisms. He has also admitted to harming himself (Take note this was already on record from Maito Gai, who voluntarily gave this information). Also, note Lord Third had pulled Kakashi from the S-rank and unranked missions in order help Kakashi mentally._

 _During the evaluation, I asked if Kakashi had any other intention behind trying to save Genma. Vocally he denied alternative intentions. I believe that survivors guilt and depression are clouding his judgement. While I have no hard evidence of this, I also believe Kakashi never moved on from the trauma of his fathers' suicide._

 _To conclude, I am completely astonished Kakashi is still alive. I recommend constant supervision by the people close to Kakashi until another psych exam can be done. If possible, I would fight for Kakashi to be suspended from active duty for at least a year. Tsunade-sama please take into account Kakashi is a walking corpse, it won't take much for him to stop walking._

Tears have made yet another puddle on the crinkled report. I'm helpless. I'm the fucking Hokage and I'm watching Sakumos' son torturously kill himself. Jiraiya was right…I am a heartless bitch. But honestly, what can I do? Nothing…I haven't been able to do a damn thing except replay Sakumos' death over and over until I've begun to imagine it to be Kakashi instead of…you. Sakumo why couldn't you have lived! Why didn't you live for your son!

"WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY!" My voice breaks. "Why Sakumo…why can't you stay now?"

The door is slammed open as Shizune darts in. "Tsunade-sama! Are you ok?!" She rushes to my side and tries to look me over. I can't respond…all I want to do is cry. "Are these…are these Kakashi-sans'…" She trails off unable to finish her sentence.

I nod. It's all I really can do at this point. It's hopeless for Kakashi. He has made his choice clear…hasn't he? Or is this a desperate call for help? Sakumo never gave us the opportunity to listen but Kakashi isn't likely to burden anyone with his pain. Which I suppose is why we never…did anything about the obvious pain.

"Tsunade-sama, did you have to ok Kakashi for battle?" Tears gush down my face as I sob into Shizunes' arms. I had to ok Kakashi for war…there was no choice. But I didn't want to! I don't want to send a dead man to war, but I know Kakashi is our best chance at having an upper hand.

"I-I didn't want to Shizune. He deserves so much more." My tears have no doubt soaked Shizunes' shoulder. "But…but I had to. I had to." My words have become the whimper of a child yelling at how unfair the world is.

But Shizune in all her patience just holds me and hums softly. Her presence calms me deeply. She gives me hope, hope that maybe just this time, Sakumo won't be dead. Maybe when I wake up Dan, Jiraiya, and all those I have loved will be there with me. Perhaps this time the nightmare will finally end and I'll wake up.

 _A/N Hey there everyone. Well here was a quick gift for you, my readers. I don't mean to be so sporadic but I got caught the tail end of inspirational writing. I hope you all don't mind. I have studied suicide a bit in hopes I continue to write realistically. I hope you enjoyed this extra chapter for the month!_


	10. Chapter 10

I've made my peace concerning Kakashi. I refuse to abandon him even though I'm unsure of how to help him. My rival will not die. If I happen to be thrown into jail or am stripped of my title, so be it. Tsunade-sama has made her decision and I have made mine.

The door to Kakashi's apartment is dull and wooden. There is no decoration on it besides the number indicating the apartment. The wood is soft but split. Moonlight seems to highlight the small chips and scratches in the door. It probably will need to be changed soon. A single small fisheye lens is embedded into the wood. Behind the door, I sense only Kakashi.

The door is unlocked…as it is after every hard mission. I quietly open the door, careful not to startle the man. Once inside I see Kakashi laying on the floor completely still.

"What do you want Gai?" he calls out tiredly

I take a deep breath and move forward, closing the door behind me. "I want to help you."

"Oh?" His voice is laced with sarcasm as he turns his head to gaze at me. I feel myself freeze up when our eyes make contact. He has his Mangekyo Sharingan activated.

"You've been reliving that memory," I state as I sit down beside him. Surreptitiously I glance around for any weapon with fresh blood. My fear lies unconfirmed.

"You told Inochi." Kakashi's accusation stings as it is the truth, I released that knowledge to Inochi.

"You need help Kakashi."

"You betrayed my trust."

"I didn't have a choice. You've tried to kill yourself!" Emotion swirls in my voice as I reply.

"You should have let me."

I can't respond. I can't stay strong. His lack of will to live—it scares me. "Help me Kakashi. Help me help you."

"I don't want help Gai. I want to die." Kakashi pauses for a moment as he lifts right arm to pull his mask off. As he lifts the arm I see signs of deep scratching. The inflammation looks more like a rash than methodical cutting, but it's the same idea, isn't it? "Everything is my fault. I killed my father, Obito, Rin. I wasn't strong enough to save my father. I was too arrogant to save Obito. And I wasn't fast enough to save Rin."

My mouth opens to refute everything he has said but he continues. "I'm not enough to be."

I want to scream. I want to scream at Kakashi. He is enough! His existence matters! I want to pull the man into a hug and never let go. I want to show him that I care about him and love him. But I'm unsure if he would accept that type of affection. My indecision dies immediately when I try to remember the last time I saw him hug someone. I move quickly to make sure he can't stop me. I pull him up to a sitting position and gently tug his arms, careful to not jostle the scratches, to encircle my shoulders. My arms wrap around his upper back as I bring his body against mine.

He immediately begins to fidget against me, but I have him pinned. I silently hold him waiting for him to give up. In his desperation to get away, he headbutts me and yells. He calls me names and tells me to give up on him. He tells me that he's trash, worthless, and better off dead. He shouts at me that I'm wasting my time with him. He threatens to hurt me. Then he bites me. I can feel the blood trickle down my back. The pain is nothing to me. I only hold on to him more securely. He shouts again. He punches and jabs at my body trying to force me away. He yells at me that he's angry. He cries out that he done with living and then demands that I kill him. When I don't respond he grows angrier and tries to grab for something but I hold him down. And then he whispers for me to assist him in his suicide. He tells me I would be doing him a favor by helping him. My silence continues and his anger returns.

He murmurs he wishes he had been strong enough to help his father. Then he recounts how useless he was when his father committed suicide. He whispers to me about the horror of his eye transplant on the battlefield. He continues to tell me he never wanted Obito's' eye. And then I feel his tears as he murmurs the tale of Rin's intentional suicide. His voice is so soft I barely make out that she forced him to kill her because she was a jinchuuriki. He confides in me of the continual nightmares he has ever since his father's death and how they had become more intense after Obito and Rin's' death. Then he talks about Minato and Kushina. He explains how he saw the couple as his parents. He tells me how Minato cared for him after his father died. He expresses the jealous he had when Kushina began taking Minato away from him. He chuckles when he says how Kushina flipped out when she learned of his jealousy and how she immediately started caring for him so much that she almost began neglecting Minato. His chuckles disappear as he whispers to me that he once called Minato father.

There is a silence as Kakashi cautiously hugs me back. I return the hug and continue to hold him. He doesn't recount Minato's death. He doesn't whisper his hurt or his feeling of abandonment. He would never need to because he knows I understand. The two of us stay that way for hours, taking comfort in each other.

When he has enough of the silence he pathetically tries to back away from the hug he gave. I don't allow it. He gives up immediately. His voice is hoarse when he begins again. This time he explains the constant hurt he experiences when he looks at Naruto, the reminder of Minato has been too great sometimes. A smile returns to his face when he tells me how Team 7 passed his bell test and how they were a good mix all together. His voice almost disappears when he recounts the failure he felt when Sasuke left the village. He tells me about how he rejoined ANBU after the Thirds' death because he felt like he was the cause for the ANBUs' inability to protect Lord Third. He barely manages to say that he felt deep disappointment when he could not help his team because each of them had needed someone better than him. Finally, he tells me how Sakura attempted to kill Sasuke. Unable to express his emotions verbally he tightens his arms around me. I can feel his anger, shame, and excessive guilt.

I try to imagine Ten-Ten attempting to kill a rogue Neji, while I am helpless to stop anything. The emotions that rear their ugly head are too much for me to handle. As I'm caught up in my own emotions I had failed to notice Kakashi has fallen asleep. Gently I reposition him in a more comfortable manner. Once I was a bit more comfortable I join him in sleep.

I wake up to the smell of eggs and find myself on the couch with a pillow. Thoughts of last night are distant in my grogginess until I glance behind me and see Kakashi finishing up the cooking. I sit up, stretch and suddenly remember what I'm doing at Kakashi's' apartment. I grope for pills Inochi gave me to give to Kakashi but I don't find them in my pockets.

"They are on the table." Kakashi motions to the bottle of pills resting innocently on the table.

I nod and grab a seat as Kakashi brings out two plates filled with white rice and scrambled eggs. As he sets down the plates I begin to go over what had happened the previous night. Nothing like that had ever happened between the two of us. Never had he ever cried in front of me. Never had we shared that physical intimacy, that was a hug. I don't know what to do now, after the moment. How should I act?

"Kakashi about last-"

"They're from Inochi right?" He asks not even acknowledging my words.

"Yes." I go to reach for my fork when Kakashi stops me. His eyes meet mine and all I can see is hurt. He hasn't forgiven me for betraying his trust. "I didn't tell him to hurt you. These pills are supposed to balance out the chemicals in your brain a bit more."

Kakashi doesn't reply as he slowly begins eating. I wait for his signal to start eating. The silence goes on between us until he eats about half of the food on his plate.

"Why are you still here Gai?"

The question throws me off. Was I supposed to have left by now? His voice is calm with no edge attached. His lips thin a bit as he studies my reaction, his head even tilts a bit.

"You are my dear friend Kakashi and I care about you. The pains, the hurts, the memories you suffer from, I want to be there when you go through them. I care deeply about you Your existence, your very being is enough for me. I love being with you. Your company makes me happy. And when you opened up to me last night, that made me so happy how much you trust me. That amount of trust you showed me and continue to show me is priceless to me." I feel emotionally drained after I finish.

Kakashi looks confused as if I had just told him that the sun is actually the moon. After considerable thought, he makes a waving motion with his hand and begins to eat again. As I take my first bite I wonder for, not for the first time, if Kakashi has ever been validated since Minato died.

This was the last time Kakashi or I ever expressed ourselves to each other in such a raw form. I had always hoped that night had helped him as much as it had helped me.

 _A/N: I want my readers to understand that I am not representing Gai and Kakashi's' relationship in a homosexual way, the two of them just have a very deep and meaningful relationship. If you wish to read into it that way be my guest, just know it was not my intention as the author. I also would really appreciate some feedback on this chapter specifically as I feel this was a bit of a weaker chapter._


	11. Chapter 11

Three years had passed since the war and the dynamics of Team 7 had changed drastically. It all began when Kakashi-sama, as a Hokage, jailed and punished Sasuke for his crimes. Naruto and Sakura had been furious when Kakashi-sama sent four squads of ANBU to capture and sedate the surviving Uchiha. Not only did Kakashi-sama jail Sasuke he also executed Orochimaru, much to the displeasure of Tsunade-sama. Even to this day Naruto would come to Kakashi's office daily to demand the Hokage release Sasuke.

"Kaka-Sensei release Sasuke."

"No," Naruto is about to retort when Kakashi-sama interrupts him "And you know the reason Naruto. This is not up for debate, now leave before I assign you all the D-ranks on my desk."

"It's been two years he's paid for his crimes!"

"No."

"But Sensei, what about community service? Anything to get him out of that prison!"

"You are dismissed Naruto." Kakashi-sama replies harshly

Naruto just glares at Kakashi-sama and stomps out. The Hokage leans back in his chair, I can literally see the stress surrounding him. This argument with Naruto and Sakura has taken its' toll on the man. Kakashi-sama knows that the moment Naruto is placed as Hokage Sasuke is free, but the man is unwavering. The only reason Kakashi-sama gave me was that it was in the best interest of everyone if Sasuke was locked up. The Hokage suddenly stands up, waves goodbye and disappears in a transportation jutsu. It's a bit inconvenient that he leaves so suddenly without any notice…granted his reasoning isn't illogical just, how does Shikamaru-san put it? Ah yes, troublesome. Before I can continue that train of thought the door to the office is forced open.

"Ino stop pushing! We can't make it through the door at the same time!"

"Oh yeah? Then why can't you be a gentleman and let a lady through?"

"I would if there were any lady present!" Shikamaru-san quips as he pushes through the door first. There is a look of satisfaction on his face until he realizes Kakashi-sama was not present.

"Arrgh! Ino this is your fault!"

"How is this my fault you jerk!?"

"Because you hindered me, I missed the only time the Hokage is actually in his office."

"Well, maybe you should keep better track of him. You are his assistant…advisor or whatever."

The only response Shikamaru-san gives is silent frustration. He grumbles a bit and Ino looks a bit unsure of something.

"Yamanaka-san was there something you need from the Hokage?" I ask, attempting to put that friendship book into use.

Ino-san gives Shikamaru-san a dirty look before addressing me. "Yes, actually I have some psych evaluations that my father left that Kakashi-sama needs to look at."

"Wasn't your father retired from doing psychological evaluations?" Shikamaru-san asks as he glances at the folder Ino-san is holding.

"Yeah, he was, which is weird that he had such extensive documents pertaining to a patient." Shikamaru-san raises an eyebrow waiting for her to continue. Ino-san glances around the room and the shut door as if to make sure no one else was around. "It's about the Hokage."

Shikamaru-san and I stiffen, if this got out it could mean a whole lot of trouble. The Nara holds out his hand for Ino-san to hand them over. With no hesitation, Ino-san hands the thick folder over to Shikamaru-san. The advisor places the folder on Kakashi-sama's desk and opens it. Quickly he reads through it, but pauses as he on something.

"Ino, did you read this?"

Ino-san swallows and bites her lip. "Yes, I did."

Shikamaru-san's lips curl with…determination? If that folder holds the information I think it holds then something must be done about Kakashi-sama. Beyond that conversation in his apartment, I don't know if Team 7 has done anything about Kakashi-sama's suicide attempt.

"Sai what do you know about the information in this document?" Shikamaru's eyes are still glued to the pages and pages of the folder.

I need to choose my words carefully. As well-intentioned as Shikamaru-san can be, he tends to get caught up in the big picture. "May I see the folder?" Shikamaru-san nods and moves to allow me to read. My eyes catch the personal notes of Yamanaka Inochi.

 _Kakashi has admitted to being consistently suicidal for at least 24 years. He does not have sufficient coping mechanisms. He has also admitted to harming himself (Take note this was already on record from Maito Gai, who voluntarily gave this information). Also, note Lord Third had pulled Kakashi from the S-rank and unranked missions in order help Kakashi mentally._

 _During the evaluation, I asked if Kakashi had any other intention behind trying to save Genma. Vocally he denied alternative intentions. I believe that survivors guilt and depression are clouding his judgement. While I have no hard evidence of this, I also believe Kakashi never moved on from the trauma of his fathers' suicide._

"Shikamaru-san and Ino-san, please keep this information to yourself as you would with an S-rank mission." I receive two nods from them.

"Do Sakura and Naruto know about this?" Ino-san asks, her eyebrows furrow together.

"Yes, they do. We were all informed a week or so before the war after an incident. But it seems they have forgotten about it." I can't hide the contempt from my voice as I recall how Sakura and Naruto have treated Kakashi-sama since he took office.

"An incident?" Shikamaru asks pointedly.

I don't answer. They don't need an explanation. Right now, I need to talk with Naruto and Sakura. If Kakashi-sama is still suicidal they need to grow up and help him.

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"You need to talk Kakashi."

"Hmmm."

"Kakashi, there needs to be a discussion about the war."

"…check."

"Did Naruto come today?"

"Doesn't he always?"

"Did anything happen?"

"I threatened him with D-rank missions and he scampered off."

"Have you talked with Sasuke lately?"

"Yes."

"What happened on your last visit with him?"

"I think I'm getting to him, but you know Sasuke; you never really know what he's getting out of the conversation.

"Has he sworn loyalty to the village?"

"Yes."

"But not to the Hokage?"

"I'm grooming him Gai and he knows it."

"And what would you be grooming him into?"

"My second in command, beside my right hand."

"You mean you want Sai and Sasuke to work together?"

"Yes."

"…"

"…"

"Kakashi have you moved on from what happened with Obito in the war?"

"Checkmate."

The discussion was over just as the game was won. But at least this time I was successful in getting some information out of him. This was how it was after the war. The two of us would play Chess and have a discussion until the game was over, then he would go back to work. After three years, I've barely been able to help him. This was the first time in months he's actually answered some of my questions. I gently wheel myself back a bit to face a window.

I can still vividly recall Kakashi's panic attack when Obito revealed himself. I'm surprised he didn't throw up…hell, I felt sick to my stomach. While Obito did apologize for blaming Kakashi for Rin's' death, I don't think the pain of the words has left Kakashi. That pain, coupled with Sakura and Naruto's abandonment of Kakashi has not made things any better for him.

The night after the war had ended there were celebrations for the death of Obito and his master plan. Those ignorant people shouted and rejoiced for the death of Kakashi's dear friend. For Kakashi and I, there were no smiles, celebration or happiness. Instead, I spent the entire night with a man who was basically in comatose. The only movement he made was with his eyes. Every couple of hours or so he would switch from staring at the tent wall to me. And every time he glanced at me I felt deeply unsettled to see his matching eyes. Sometimes his breathing would get raspy and short, but he would quickly calm himself.

I don't know whether to thank Naruto or curse him for giving Kakashi the second eye. Even today Kakashi still has issues with depth perception. I never comment on the mistakes, but they happen frequently during our chess games. Nobody else comments on it either, probably because they expect him to be accustomed to having both eyes available. I urged him to have Sakura help him, but then he imprisoned Sasuke, leaving that option unusable.

I wish Naruto and Sakura could see Kakashi is trying to help the Uchiha. But I can guess Kakashi hasn't told them anything about his purpose behind Sasukes' imprisonment. I find it frustrating that they can't try and sympathize with Kakashi. It's as if they forgot about the attempted suicide when the war ended. Like they just wanted to ignore the bad experiences in life and pretend that the high of winning will last them through the rest of their life. I wish they'd grow up.

Kakashi hasn't changed since the war. He's a refreshing if not terrifying constant. I wonder every time he leaves after our game if it's going to be our last. I think he also wonders that because of his expressions during our games. It's as if he's memorizing my face and while we never say it I can tell every time he smiles at me he is telling me he loves me and goodbye.

I can't handle the emotional strain…it's too heavy, but I must. I need to be strong for Kakashi. But sometimes I wish Kakashi would make his choice. Die or don't die! And each time guilt rushes over me. I deserve some type of punishment for thinking such a thing. He's already struggling so much, how can I demand he fix himself? No, I can't. There is no one else to help…I am alone in this war. I must survive, no matter-no matter…the cost.


	12. Chapter 12

_Dear Readers, thank you so much for sticking with this story. I apologize for the slight lag of the last chapter but I hope you enjoy this chapter. I also apologize for the long wait for this chapter. It took me a while to decide how I wanted to end this story but I believe I have come up with a decent ending. Though this chapter is also a lot longer than any of the others, which I guess makes sense since this is the last chapter. Now on with the finale._

They don't talk about him...no one does and yet there he is engraved into the mountain. It's as if the village is trying to forget the Sixth Hokage. Even the archive room has no information on the mysterious man. But at the same time Mama always tries to take the fifteenth of September off. I wonder if that is the day he died. Even Papa tries to come home during September.

One time I followed Mama to the grave yard where all the buried shinobi lie. I found her weeping over two unmarked graves. She never told me who was buried there or that she even went to those graves. I asked Shino-Sensei about the unmarked graves, but he didn't know anything about them. After receiving nothing from Shino-Sensei I went to Shizune-san, thinking she might give me an answer about the graves or the Sixth Hokage.

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"Shizune-san?" I call out after knocking on the door.

"Sarada is that you? Come in, come in!"

Quickly I pull off my training shoes and enter the large apartment. I had been here many times, since my mother was close to both Shizune-san and Tsunade-sama. Once in the living room I am greeted by the smiling older woman. She pulls me into her arms in a loving embrace.

"How are you doing Sarada? It's been ages since I've seen you."

"I've been doing well, just enduring Boruto." I reply politely while I sit down across from her.

Shizune-san chuckles as she picks up her forgotten cup of tea. "Boys really are troublesome, aren't they?" I force a smile in response but my need for an answer causes my farce to fall. Shizune-san watches me for a moment as she takes a long sip of tea. "But that's not what you've come to speak to me about is it?" I nod, and she waits for me to begin.

"Could you tell me about Lord Sixth?" She spills a bit of her tea and her breathing grows shallow. "I only ask because no one ever talks about him and I think my mama, papa and Lord Seventh knew him."

"Did anyone truly know him?" Shizune mumbles before making eye contact with me. "He was a g–…" There is a pause as she tries to find the correct word to describe the man. "He was a complicated man."

"How did my parents and Lord Seventh know him?" I ask hoping to press her into giving a more informative answer. But before she can answer a door opens and a man calls out.

"I'm back Baby! That mission was a nightmare! I can't believe they let those immature little brats-" his voice trails off as he sees me. "Oh, sorry Sarada."

"It's fine Genma-san." I say with the slight bow of my head.

"Genma, I'm glad you are back. Sarada was just visiting with me." Shizune explains.

Genma nods and takes a seat by Shizune. "So, what are we talking about or is this a woman thing?"

"Oh, we were just talking about her genin team. You know she is under Sarutobi Konohamaru right?"

With that I quickly realize my parents' generation isn't the only generation to not want to talk about Lord Sixth. The three of us continue a polite conversation before I finally find a way out. Once good byes have been said I run off to the Hokage's office. Lord Seventh must have an answer about his predecessor.

When I reach his office, I bump into Nara-sama, the Hokage's assistant.

"I apologize Nara-sama." I say immediately with a formal bow.

"It's okay. Do you need something Sarada?"

"Yes sir, I would like to speak with the Hokage."

The man narrows his eyes for a moment before directing me to a seat. "I'll tell him that you're here."

"Thank you Nara-sama." I reply with a less formal bow of my head. Once he disappears though, I begin to think over what exactly I want to say or ask. Then the door opens again. Without any more time, the clan head nods his head for me to go in a talk to the Hokage. Carefully and respectfully I enter the office and bow.

"Hey there Sarada, how ya' doing?" asks the Hokage.

"I'm doing well Hokage-sama and yourself?"

"Good, could be better. But I'm very happy that you came to visit me. Now how can I help you?"

I chew my lip for a moment thinking of how best to approach the subject no one wanted to speak about. "Sir, I've been doing some research about the Hokages but I have found that there is very little information about the sixth Hokage. And I was wondering if you could tell me about him."

Lord Seventh sits up a bit straighter and breathes deeply in and out. "What brought this on Sarada?"

He saw right through that flimsy cover, he knows I only care about Lord Sixth. I stiffen my stance hoping a frontal assault will work. "Why does no one talk about him? Shino-sensei and Shizune-san would say anything useful about him. There is little to no information about him in the records, classes don't teach about him and it seems like you, Papa and Mama all knew him at some point. So why all the secrecy?" I burst out.

"First, your mother and I will be having a conversation about sneaking into the archives room." I feel my face flush, I had stupidly given myself away. His expression changes from concern about my disobedience to something hallow. It's as if something terrible consumed his blue eyes. He pauses for a moment covering the expression in his eyes. "Second, there isn't much I can tell you about him."

He stops again and searches, just like Shizune-san, for the right words to come to him.

"Is he dead?" I ask just for confirmation, I'm already pretty sure the man is dead.

"Yes." There is another silence as the Hokage gets lost in his own thoughts…or even memories. "Sarada, please don't ask around about him anymore. His memory…it is very painful for many people, including your mother."

The Hokage's eyes fall on me again and I let out a small gasp as I see the raw emotion coming from him. His lower jaw has a slight tremble that he attempts to control. His eyes seem to pierce and envelope me into his pain. When I finally pull myself away from his haunted expression, I let out a labored breath. What in the world had the Sixth Hokage done?

I feel myself take a step backward. I wasn't expecting this powerful of a reaction. I didn't even know a human could feel such an intensely sad emotion. Tears begin to form in my eyes and I wonder if the Hokage has put me into a genjutsu. Lord Seventh snaps out of his thoughts when he realizes I'm crying. Immediately the sorrow is pushed aside, and gentle expression appears on his face.

"Sarada, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—well…You should get going." Lord Seventh gives me a small smile and gestures for me to leave.

I bow and leave, the shock of emotion still running through me. What could have possibly happened to the Sixth Hokage that would cause such pain from Lord Seventh?

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"Shikamaru?"

"Yes?"

"Have someone keep an eye on the Compound. I don't want this to become more gossip than it already was."

"Naruto, maybe it's time to finally forgive yourself. Kaka-"

"That was an order Nara-san."

"Yes, sir."

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"Sarada! Sarada!"

I look up as I see Boruto running towards me, yelling. What was it going to be this time? I had just gotten a hold of my emotions after meeting with the Hokage, I did not have the energy to humor Boruto.

"Sarada I've got an idea!"

"Oh yeah what is that going to be?" I reply sarcastically

"Don't be so snippy at me! It's going to be fun! Even Mitsuki thinks it will be interesting don't ya'?"

I glance at the other boy who shrugs sheepishly. "What do you both have planned, because I might as well be apart of it to save your scrawny butts."

Boruto huffs at this but explains the plan. "Well since we have today off we should have a bit of fun and learn about the tales from our village."

"Wow Boruto you may have come up with something interesting after all. What have you come up with?" I reply feeling impressed with Boruto's idea.

"Well there's the that abandoned house down by the river. Nobody knows much about the house besides all the rumors." Boruto pitches as he makes a creepy face, to which I roll my eyes to.

"Wasn't that house from one of the old clans?" Put in Mitsuki, who seemed very interested in this house.

I ponder what Mitsuki said for a moment. Which old clan though, there were several clans that had died out.

"Apparently the house is cursed to stay intact because it survived the Nine-tails, Pein and the Fourth Great War." Added Boruto

"What kind of curse is that Boruto?" I ask suspiciously. "That doesn't sound like any curse I've heard of."

"No! Really Sarada. There's been like dozens of disappearance and deaths in that house. So much so that some people call it The Suicide House."

Both Mitsuki and I glance at each other. Suddenly this doesn't seem like such a great idea. An old cursed clan house that has been nicknamed The Suicide House, this seems creepy. Boruto picks up on our uneasiness.

"Hey guys it's only a rumor! Most of it probably isn't true. Come on this will be fun!"

Boruto runs off while Mitsuki and I trail behind doubting this will be as fun as Boruto thinks it will be. The house is much further than I had expected as our team walks further and further away from the bustling center of the city. Soon the modern looking buildings turn into a mix of traditional and modern styles until we come to the edge of the generally living district. Here the houses are purely traditional. They seem to give off the air of permanence and solitude. It's no wonder these houses weren't damaged by all the attacks, all of them are so far away from the center of town. It almost feels like we have traveled back in time, to an era of instability and war. The villagers here are also dressed traditionally and presumably live in a traditional way.

Boruto nudges me and points to the old house we were looking for. None of us talked as we stare at the almost dull looking house. There was no flair like any other clan. In the front was a simple wood fence. The plants in front of the house were trimmed and the fence looked like it had replaced an older fence. In about the center of the fence there was a gap, so someone could enter the compound. At the entrance there were two steps up to the house and a little canopy to cover the person as they would enter the house. To the left of the fence was a worn wooden mailbox with something inscribed on it, probably the clan name.

Why did the house look like it was being taken care of if it was abandoned? If this really was a clan house why did it look so…opposite of every clan house I've seen?

"We should go in." I hear myself say. Apart of me hopes this house is connected to the Sixth Hokage, so that I can get my answers.

The boys follow my lead as the three of us take a few steps to the fence. Here I take a moment to try and read the inscription on the mailbox. Unfortunately, the name had all but faded away leaving only the kanji character 'ke'.

In a triangle formation we approach the front door. I glance at the other two and almost reverently slide the door open. Surprisingly enough it was unlocked and without traps, that we could see of. Filing into the house in single formation we all take off our shoes, as we all have a feeling it is only respectful to do so. There is a small dirt floor with a step on to the wood paneled flooring where we all assume we should put our shoes.

The inside of the house is simple, almost thread bear. The sunshine of the day seems to not quite reach through the shoji, only adding to the dark feel of the house. In its' simplicity there is an ominous atmosphere that seems to take our breath away. Quietly we all take a few steps on to the wood floor and into the main hall. To our left was a hall with several rooms and to our right was a short hallway leading to a kitchen and laundry room presumably. In front of us was a wall, probably containing another room.

"Now what?" asks Boruto

Mitsuki and Boruto look to me for my answer but I don't have a clear answer. Do we continue with our intrusion? We might as well now that we are inside.

"You two go right I'll check down this hall." I say pointing to our left. Mitsuki and Boruto nod and quietly make their way to the right.

I take a deep breath and look down the hall. There are answers here, but they may not be the answers I desire. Almost silently I walk the old hall. As I continue the scent of blood washes over me. My heart drops and I begin to shake. Each step I take feels extremely heavy, but I continue. When I reach the last door on the right I bite my lip in dread. This house was named The Suicide House for a reason. With my shaking hand I slide open the door. A rush of stale blood fills my senses and the dark stain on the tatami mesmerizes me. There seemed to be two different stains on the tatami mats. One was faded and spread a meter or so from the epicenter. The second was smaller and a darker shade of burgundy.

I want to scream in horror, but my voice falls silent. Bile rises in my throat and tears begin to flood. All I can do is stare at the stains as tears flow down my cheeks. Everything seems to click for me. There had been two suicides in this house. One occurred many years ago and the second much later. But what sickened me the most was the fact the second suicide took place in the same room and most likely same position as the first. The larger blood stains seemed to allude to the body not being discovered for quite some time. Meaning, it had been expertly planned. The smaller stain point to a less planned…death. It was disturbing for the second person to choose to die here.

A hand is suddenly placed over my eyes as someone pulls me into a hug. I hear the door shut and I let out a quiet sob. Strong arms pick me up and carry me, like a baby, back down that hallway and out of that god-forsaken house. I don't notice much after that as I keep my eyes shut. I don't ever want to see that house or room again. Finally, the shinobi who carried me away from the house places me carefully down against a tree. When I open my eyes, I see Boruto and Mitsuki standing in front of me looking extremely concerned. To my right is the shinobi who spirited me away, Rock Lee.

The man watches us for a moment, looking sterner than I had ever seen him. In his eyes though was the same expression the Seventh had. If Lord Sixth had anything to do with those two blood stains I didn't want anything to do with him.

"Do you have anything to say for yourselves?" Lee-san asks.

"We…we wanted to learn about the tales from our village." Replies Boruto as he tries his best to not make eye contact with the tai-jutsu master.

"Have you satisfied your curiosity?!" Lee-san demands as rage takes over the pain.

All of us flinch. The tears have finally stopped, and the weight of my actions hit me. Why did I have to push it? Why didn't I just leave all this alone? He leaves us in contemplative silence and dread fills me. What is Mama going to say about this, let alone the Hokage? The painful silence continues until Lee-san is just about fed up with our behavior.

"Lee! Leave them be." Calls out a voice. Instantly Lee-san straightens his posture and turns to a man in a wheel chair. That man was Might Gai, a veteran of the Fourth War. "Thank you for retrieving them. Tell the Hokage I will talk to them and that I will take full responsibility for their crimes."

I don't even notice how Lee-san responds as the word crimes fill my head. I committed a crime…I'll never be Hokage now.

The older man wheels over to us and inspects us carefully. It almost feels like he is weighing our souls for judgement. Then for a while he looks up at the clouds.

"Tell me what you see in the clouds," He says with his full attention on the clouds.

All three of us look at each other in confusion. What was this about? We just committed a crime! Shouldn't he be passing judgement? In our confusion none of us answer. The man lets out a big sigh but gives us a kind smile.

"What did you three do wrong?" he asks patiently.

"We broke into a house." I say feeling remorse for the action.

"Yes, you did. But you didn't just break into any house now did you?"

"No, we didn't." This time Boruto replies. "We broke into an abandoned house."

"And what did you all find?" asks Gai-san leaning back in his chair.

"A dark place filled with the stench of blood." Replies Mitsuki.

Gai-san doesn't reply for a moment as he looks back up at the sky. "Yes, it is a dark place." He says absent mindedly. "But it once was a happy vibrant home."

"Are you going to tell us about what happened there?" asks Boruto after another moment of silence. There was a slight hesitancy in Boruto's voice, as if he wanted to hear the story but he also didn't want to hear the truth about The Suicide House.

"No, I don't think I will. Some stories are better off untold. All you need to know is that two men tragically died there, beyond that there isn't any information really necessary for you three."

Gai-san didn't confirm or deny anything we didn't already know…but honestly what does it matter?

"Will you tell us about the two men, before they died I mean." Mitsuki asks as he finally makes eye contact with Gai-san.

There is an odd silence after Mitsuki's question as Gai-san suddenly smiles. The joy etched on his face is blinding. Just what would make this man so happy?

"No but I will tell you about my best friend and eternal rival Sukea!" Gai-san proclaims with a big thumbs up.

"But—but what about our punishment?" I ask, worried that Mama may choose the punishment.

Gai-san chuckles. "Your team punishment is to listen to all my stories about Sukea, no matter how long I drone on or how many times I repeat myself. So, whenever you are in the village without a mission or training you will take some time to come see me and hear all my stories about my best friend Sukea."

All our mouths drop in shock. That was it? Just listen to him tell stories.

"But what about the Hokage?" Mitsuki challenges, probably thinking the Hokage could and would change the issuing of punishment.

Gai-san laughs at this. "I think it's my right to give you a punishment since I've owned that property for the past ten years. Now enough with the questions. Your punishment starts now! Sukea and I were rivals from an early age on when I pronounced him to be my rival. But he didn't really catch on until much later…"

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It wasn't until much later that I learned Sukea was the Sixth Hokage and that the first blood stain was from Sukeas' father. But no matter how tragic their deaths were Sukea lived as a legend. And while some members of Team Kakashi were unable to move on, the name Sukea gave them hope that the Sixth Hokage would not be shamed for eternity.

The name Hatake Kakashi was lost to time and even now only Boruto, Mitsuki and I know that name in relation to Lord Sixth.

THE END

 _Thanks again for reading this simple story. And a special thank you to Yoshioka Kori, Metamorfhosis, Nekami, KakashiKrazed, 0golden0, juman1994, Coira MacClyde and the guest for the reviews. I loved each and every one of them._

 _PS: I might write one alternate ending, but I'm not quite sure if this story will need one or not. How about you guys decide? If you would like an alternate ending answer as a review or message me if you please. I have greatly enjoyed writing this story and would not mind writing one more chapter for it._


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Readers

Thank you for reading once again and I hope you enjoy this final chapter. But before you do I wanted to explain some of my decisions about the story. I won't be writing about Kakashi actually killing himself for several reasons. The first being, at the time of writing this I was dealing with depressive and suicidal thoughts. I didn't think it was healthy for me to write out the act of suicide because it would have been too easy for me to blur the lines of fantasy and reality. Another reason is now, even though I'm doing better, I don't want to facilitate someones' darker thoughts. The last reason is I don't think explicitly writing out Kakashi's suicide is actually adding to the story. For me the point of the story is character reactions to Kakashi's attempt and not the suicide attempt itself. Suicide in itself is just an act, what makes suicide, suicide is the intention behind killing oneself. I apologize if anyone is upset about not getting that in depth writing but I hope you all understand my reasoning. Oh and it also took me super long to figure out the type of ending and message that I wanted to convey. Thank you again for reading and I hope you enjoy the final addition to The Burden of Survivors,

-Celevathor

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The Burden of Survivors Part 13 Alternate Ending

It had happened. After eight years of silence it had happened. I don't know why I thought everything was fine. Did I miss the signs? Guilt makes itself known once again. 'I helped him before I can help him again.' I say to myself. But when I make it into the room, all I can do is stare at his lifeless body. An arm is outstretched with the palm holding a single pill.

"Fix him" pleads Sarada Uchiha. Her eyes were brimming with tears as she grasped my trouser leg. She had been the one to find Kakashi and she had been the one to bring me. The similarities of the situation where not lost on me. It was sickening to witness history try to repeat itself.

"Stay right there Sarada." I say as I fall out of my wheel chair. Slowly I crawl over to Kakashi to check for a pulse. All while wondering what had spurred this attempt. How foolish are you Kakashi? You are supposed to be watching Sarada this weekend! Why now of all times? Once I had reached his body I lay him on his back and feel for his pulse. For a moment I feel nothing, and I can't catch my breath. Where is his pulse?! In my desperation I give up using my fingers and lay my head on his chest.

 _Ba-boom._

At last! I hear his heart. It's steady. Everything is okay now. He's still alive. "Kakashi!" I yell hoping to wake him from his slumber. He quickly responds by opening his eyes. There is a delay with his left eye.

"Gai?" He asks. "Are you okay?"

"Sarada, go get us some tea, will you?" I order, hoping to talk quickly with Kakashi.

"Is he-" She begins.

"Go on Sarada." Responds Kakashi as he sits me up.

The young Uchiha swallows quickly and leaves the room. The moment she was far enough away for us to talk I face Kakashi. "What the hell happened?"

"Gai calm down. This isn't what it looks like." Kakashi replies as he gets up to set the wheel chair back on its' wheels.

"Than what was it?!" I hiss quietly. Kakashi returns to where I was sitting and slings my arm over his shoulder dragging me over to my chair.

"Sarada and I were playing a game of sorts." I gaze at him sternly, my doubt expressed clearly on my face. "She wanted to see what different pills did, you know like the soldier pills."

"And you indulged her?" I cut in unable to stop myself. The absolute stupidity of this was on par with Naruto when he was a kid.

"No, I only explained what each did. She pointed to one and I told her about it. Unfortunately, last night I ended up mixing the soldier pills and my daily pills. They are all kind of the same size and color. So, I ended up—"

"You took the pill that simulated death." I finish for him. Relief floods through me, thank goodness it wasn't what I thought it was.

Kakashi nods as he sits down at my feet. He watches me for a moment before he stares up at the ceiling with a sigh. "Gai it's been eight years. Take a breather. Please."

I grip the arm rests of the wheel chair for a moment waiting for a wave of emotion to pass. He's right. I should take a breather. "I'm sorry Kakashi. I shouldn't have assumed—" Kakashi places a hand on mine and gives me a little smile. A natural silence passes between us as we both calm down. Then a question enters my head. "Kakashi?"

"Hmm?"

"How did you end up mixing your pills with the soldier pills?"

Kakashi lets out a deep chuckle. "Well I suppose that was Saradas' doing. Sometimes when she stays over she brings me my pill container. I suppose she forgot about the soldier pills in her rush to get my pills to me this morning. She must have seen the small pill bottle with the soldier pills and thought they were apart of the pills I take."

"Are you serious?" I groan. "Why are you letting her get your pills for you?"

"She wanted to be helpful, so I figured that was a good way for her to help without hurting herself." He replies unhelpfully.

I lean over and smack him on the head. "Honestly Kakashi, couldn't your genius brain think of anything else that wouldn't endanger your health?"

"Ow! Hey, the more times you hit me the less of a genius I am, don't you know?" He responds holding his arms up above his head defensively. Before I could respond we, both hear Sarada behind us.

"Papa Kakashi?" She holds the tray of tea unsteadily as she enters the room. Hoping to intervene with the tea I wheel myself over and gently take the tray from her. Immediately she runs to Kakashi. Her little arms wrap themselves around him holding his torso captive. She begins to mumble into his shirt as her tears run down her face. I can't fully hear her words, but I could hear an apology. In response Kakashi holds her in his arms, letting her cry for a few minutes.

"There, there, Sarada it's okay. See I'm fine. I just had to sleep the pill off." She continues to mumble into him. Gently Kakashi pulls her back so she can look him in the eye. "Sarada you need to speak clearly okay?"

"I didn' mean to hurt you." She mumbles sorrowfully.

"Oh Sarada, you didn't hurt me. Everyone is ok. Right?" He replies, his eyebrows furrowing slightly in concern.

The little Uchiha looks unconvinced but nods anyhow. With the interrogation over she burrows herself into his shoulder. The rest of the evening was spent consoling Sarada every once in a while. She refused to let Kakashi out of her sight. It's as if she thought his absence in the room meant his death. When Sakura came to pick her daughter up Sarada was loathing to leave. The little girl just stood there staring at Kakashi and holding his hand. Perhaps in her six-year-old mind she had convinced herself that if Kakashi didn't leave her sight then he would never lay still on the floor.

Sakura turned to me in confusion when her daughter refused to even greet her. "Gai-Sensei, what's going on?"

I hesitate to respond for several reasons, the most prominent being; she could have asked Kakashi. Ever since the war ended Team 7 has been on the rocks. Whether by guilt or ignorance of Kakashi's situation, the core three have never fully talked Kakashi's suicide attempt over with him. Now everything is a bit awkward. But the biggest challenge though was when Sasuke returned. Team 7, minus Yamato and Sai tried to talk some of the issues of the students out. Then someone mentioned his suicide attempt. Sasuke, ever the considerate man he's become, said something that broke his relationship with Kakashi.

 _"You attempted suicide?" Sasuke asked incredulously. "You really attempted suicide?"_

 _Kakashi stared at Sasuke in return, unsure of where this question was leading. Sasuke let out a forced chuckle._

 _"Hey Sasuke-teme, you shouldn't-_

 _"Don't tell me what to do Naruto." Spat Sasuke as he activated his Sharingan. The young man seemed to take his time evaluating Kakashi before he spoke those final words._

 _"Why didn't you succeed, Sensei?" The sneer in his voice was unmistakable._

Naruto and Sakura were at a loss of what to do. Even Kakashi told me he didn't know how to respond. Then Sakura married Sasuke, thereby cementing her side of the problems. And Naruto, he just avoided the issue as if it didn't exist. He didn't want to lose the only family he felt he had.

It took years for Sakura to even talk to Kakashi outside the Hokage office. She finally did when Sarada was born. Kakashi had been checking up on her, as he was known to do, when she went into labor. He quickly took her to the hospital and was about to leave when she begged him to stay. She couldn't give birth alone, with only the nurses. Kakashi told me that he hadn't seen her cry like that in almost 7 years. So, he stayed with her during the birth. He was the first person to hold Sarada and she will probably be the only one he allows to hold him. Kakashi and I both thought that may be the beginning of a bridge.

"Gai-sensei?"

"Kakashi mixed up his pills and ended up taking a pill that stimulated death. It shook Sarada pretty bad when she found him this morning."

Sakura immediately picked up on my reference as she takes a deep breath. "Sarada honey, Papa Kakashi is fine. He was just a bit sleepy this morning." She says trying to grab Sarada to leave.

Her efforts were in vain though as Kakashi suddenly hugs Sarada while surging some chakra into the child to make her faint. The two adults don't exchange words as Sakura takes her daughter from Kakashi. Mother and daughter silently leave the Hatake Compound as the clan head and I watch. Once the two were out of view Kakashi closes the door of the house and the two of us return to the living room.

As we sit down I take a moment to assess Kakashi. Was he still suicidal? He didn't look as bad as he did back before the Fourth War started. I wonder if I have just been missing the signs…once again. We meet at least once a week if not more but I'm just never sure where his state of mind really is. It's hard to know if he is just lying to keep me safe or if he is just being truthful.

"You're staring Gai."

"Oh!" I reply feeling a bit sheepish.

"You don't have to worry you know," he pulls his mask off and rubs his face, "I don't have an aching desire to kill myself. The pain is still there, but you…you've made it easier to bear."

I don't reply in fear of ruining whatever good mood came over Kakashi. I try to move in close, but the wheel chair hinders me.

"There are definitely still days that I lose hope, but I'm reminded by your…I'm reminded of you and how you've stuck by me. I know that even when everyone else turns on me you'll be waiting there." Kakashi gives me a big smile with his mask off. The slight tan mark has always been a point of teasing, but right now that is the furthest thing on my mind. This honor he has bestowed on me is nothing that I take for granted. I am about to reply when the smile falls slightly, and he looks me in the eyes. "Know this Gai, even if I relapse, it will never have been you that caused it. Never blame yourself for my inability."

His words still my tongue. I let out a breath and feel a huge burden fall off my shoulders. I'm not responsible anymore. In fact, I never was responsible for Kakashi's fate. The realization shakes me to the core.

"Kakashi…." There is a pause as I grab his forearm. "Thank you."


End file.
